So it is Wednesday night here in Singapore and I am sitting
outside a burger bar, Fatboy’s, waiting for them to bring my burger with onion
rings and blue cheese dressing. This is my only night off this week, it is
raining (I was hoping it would rain), and I am just relaxing by myself, trying
to take the day to just enjoy my free time.
I am not sure what I said I would write about in my next
post but I’m sure it was something like what I’m up to in Singapore, talk about
my upcoming vacations, etc….
Today I spent my lunch hour with Pawan (pronounced Paven),
the Pakistani customer who’s wedding I will be attending next year. We went for
lunch ad then coffee, spending almost 4 hours chatting and enjoying the food
and drinks of Singapore – and visiting a few of my old haunts from when I used
to stay with Richard. After I showed Pawan the way back to her hotel I went to
the local bookstore to try and find at least one of the three books recently
recommended to me by a customer – none of which they had. I then spent at least
30 minutes trying to find a different book I could get instead.
Finding this book was a truly Singaporean experience. I had
asked the sales clerk for advice on a book. The advice he gave was not that
helpful, but in an effort to be helpful he stood next to me for the entire time
I browsed the shelves. This would have driven me crazy 4 months ago (and I
still tried to dismiss him a few times by telling him I was happy to just
browse) but now I know this is just how they are in Asia and I didn’t let it
bother me. How strange to notice, in the moment, how not bothered I was by this
situation. I am starting to really acclimate to my new culture.
After getting home I was very tired and was going to take a
rest but ended up on an almost 2 hour Skype conversation with Chris, a German
customer from the bar who I happen to be going to Myanmar with. Well, I
shouldn’t really say I happen to be going with him, I mean we did plan it
rather intentionally, but I haven’t told any of you that yet.
(Side note, I ran into someone from Edina last night. I was
running a payment for a table in my co-worker’s section when I noticed it was
an American credit card (Delta Skymiles). I checked the name on the card, as I
always do so I can present the card to the customer by name, and the last name
was Buchok. This can’t possibly be a common name and I went to elementary
school with a Buchok so I figured I’d ask. First I asked about Minnesota and
then about Edina. Turns out it is the older brother of my old classmate. What a
totally small world!).
Okay, back to Chris… So as I’m sure you have all realized I
don’t talk much about my personal life on my blog. Well, it might seem like I
do, but what I mean by personal life is my romantic life. That is for 2
reasons. 1) I don’t really have one and 2) I don’t always feel like putting it
all over the Internet. But here goes. Chris came into my bar in maybe my second
week of work with a few colleagues/friends. They all had one drink together and
then his friends went home. We then got into a conversation about something –
I’m not sure how it started – and we ended up trading contact information. I
invited him for lunch the following day, he took me up on my offer, and we had
a great time. Chris then met me after work that evening, we went out for a few
drinks and again had a great time. The following day (two days after we first
met) he flew back to Germany where he was from and that was that.
Chris, however, is much more interesting than most of the
people I have met here in Singapore and I have thought about him from time to
time. I was recently telling one of my friends about Chris’s plan to quit his
job, move to Australia, work for a while until he has enough money to buy a
boat, and then sail around the world. After telling my friend this I though I
should send him an e-mail and see how he was doing. A few days later, and a few
e-mail exchanges later, we ended up on Skype and he suggested we go on holiday
together. I asked for a week off from work (assuming they wouldn’t give it to
me since they had only days before approved my one month holiday home) and when
they approved it I started looking at tickets. Finally, two nights ago, we got
back on Skype and bought out tickets. We are going to Myanmar together for 7
days at the end of May. And I can’t wait!
I know it is super spontaneous, and we barely know each
other and can only hope we can get along for 1 week, but life is short and you
just need to give everything your best. Chris was forward enough to ask me to
go on holiday after only spending a few hours together, and I have always liked
people who can be spontaneous and adventurous and confident so I would only be
doing myself a disservice if I turned down his offer. And now I’m busy planning
a holiday with a guy I barely know to a foreign country and I couldn’t be more
excited! And I’m pretty sure Chris feels the same way. (By the way, Chris I
hope you don’t mind that I’m writing all this about you…. Chris reads my blog
as well. This is probably a good time to warn everyone, if you end up in my
life you will likely end up in my blog, especially if I like you. If I don’t
like and only have negative things to say I don’t write about you.)
So that is how my trip to Myanmar came about. And I also
have a trip to Hong Kong coming up in like 3 weeks and I have done nothing to
plan for that. I meant to do that today but I just didn’t do it. There’s always
tomorrow!
I am now halfway done with my dinner, it is delicious, and
my keyboard is all covered in little greasy fingerprints from my eating the
fries with my hands.
Now… what else? So the book I bought today is all about
vulnerability and how to make yourself more vulnerable. I also think that I do
a good job of this in all parts of my life except in my love life. As you may or
may not know it has been almost 3 years since I have had a boyfriend. This is
for a variety of reasons – including the fact that I never seem to find any
good candidates – but I recognize how good I am at protecting myself from
getting hurt and thus at even the first hint of something not going well I put
up large emotional barriers and won’t let myself get attached.
Elizabeth and I had a very interesting conversation about
this in Vietnam – how do you make yourself vulnerable without becoming too
reliant on someone? How do you become dependent on someone when you can do
everything for yourself? Where do you draw the line? How do you let someone in
and allow them to add to your happiness without your happiness becoming
dependent upon that person? Why would you even want to when your emotional life
seems more stable when you are single (at least mine does!)?
Being single, I am fully responsible for myself – which I
have shown myself I can clearly handle being that I had a made a life from
nothing for myself in two foreign countries now – and I can be in complete
control. When I’m happy it is me, when I’m sad it is me, and I need to keep my
self in check – emotionally, financially, with everything. I do not need anyone
and I know that is true.
But it would be so nice to have someone to share my
experiences with. I get very tired of having to completely start over, totally
from scratch in every country. All of my co-workers here in Singapore (well,
almost all of them) came to Singapore with their boyfriend or girlfriend of
many years and how nice that would be. They have someone to share these new
experiences with, they have someone to go home to at night, they have someone
to laugh with, complain to, go to dinner with etc….
And I think this adds to why I don’t feel settled anywhere.
I feel that at any given moment I could get up and leave, I have nothing
keeping me in Singapore except a paycheck and if I could get one somewhere else
I would go there.
I want to have someone to share everything with (Elizabeth,
come back, will you?!) but with that comes so much risk. At any moment they
could just leave and why would you want to open yourself up to that
possibility? It is so much easier to keep yourself emotionally and/or physically
distant from this possibility because it is just so much easier.
Now I know I don’t want to live my life like this – who
would? – but doing what needs to be done to get into a relationship just sounds
so scary. So I am hoping that maybe this book I picked up today can maybe give
me even one small hint that might help me here. How I can be more vulnerable
and open up my chances to finding someone to be with. (Plus, I think my parents
are starting to worry about me so I really need to start trying.)
And it really is strange, isn’t it? How I can post my entire
life (well, almost) on the Internet yet I won’t make myself vulnerable enough
to another person to get into a relationship.
Now, on the other hand, I don’t want to take all the blame.
I have met a handful of very interesting guys since I have left the states –
and with many of them it was just bad timing or for some other reason it didn’t
work out – but I also just am not willing to be with someone who can’t be what
I need them to be – confident, spontaneous, adventurous, outgoing, interesting.
I can’t be with someone who is going to detract from my life and my plans and I
can’t be with someone who can’t handle me (since I am sure it is a bit of a
task – Elizabeth and my parents can probably comment best on this one!).
Anyways, this is how I got to purchase the new book I now
own and I will keep you up to date on what I learn from it and hopefully the
positive impact it has on my life.
What else…? Nothing really right now. I have nothing more to
say that seems to be itching to come out so I’m not going to force anything
else at this time. Oh, one thought, I was walking through the self-help book
section at the book store today and I kept picking up books that talked about
things like happiness, or travel, or success of something and many of them I
looked at I realized I had learned at least some of the lessons in all of the
books during the time since I left that states. All of the things I have figure
out about myself, about the world, about happiness and success maybe I should
write one of these books!
Okay, that is all now.
Hope you are all staying warm back in MN, or cool if you
happen to be here in Asia. Have a good night and chat soon!
Best!
