Feeling Confused

I'm just not sure how I'm feeling right now about anything - staying here, going somewhere else, going to Australia, going to Dubai, going home. For quite a while I felt like I really wanted a job - which I still do. Then I got really excited about working at place #3 here in Singapore, dedicating pretty much my entire life to my work. Now that I haven't heard from place #3 in a while and I'm having to fill my time with other things - exploring the city, working out, reading, planning a trip to Cambodia - I am no longer as interested in dedicating my life to that job. Not that I couldn't get excited about it again, but I really like when things just work out quickly. I feel like I can really live in the moment, and once that moment has passed sometimes it is hard for me to get back to it. I can very quickly move from one reality to the next, almost completely forgetting the other one ever existed. Example: it almost doesn't even feel like I ever lived in NZ - and I felt like that only a couple weeks after leaving. Now, 6 or 7 weeks later I feel like I almost have no memories of it at all. (That isn't totally true, but it feels like it sometimes. It feel so much like my past - like it was years ago - and I only left a month and a half ago.)

That said, I feel like I am losing momentum for the job at place #3. I have spent this week working out a lot - I found a great evening kick boxing class and have really been getting into prison fit. I have found some great spots around Singapore to enjoy. I have bought a few new books to read. And with my new job I won't have time for really any of this and that is feeling a bit scary. What about the rest of my life?!

Anyways, I am happy it's not warm back in MN right now because I am contemplating coming home. If the weather was nice I likely would, but since it is still cold there I am going to stay away at least a few more months until the weather warms up.

I think the only reason I am even thinking about coming back to America is because it would be easy. I would be able to move in with my parents for the short term, get a serving job quite easily, get my finances back in the positive quickly (I still have money in the bank I just hate only spending with nothing coming in), and still have time to enjoy my life, my friends, get fit, read, etc.... And it would really nice to be doing something easy right now.

I think Singapore isn't seeming as hard as it could, however, since I've already done this once in NZ. I haven't given up it just gets exhausting.

And one thing I was saying to Elizabeth today, which I likely never would have felt before this experience, is that I would give anything my full effort. If I went back to America and decided one day I wanted to live and working in NYC or Nashville or Miami or where ever, I would get on a plane, go there, and try to do it without connections, without a plan, without anything. The idea of doing that doesn't intimidate me anymore. If it's supposed to work out it will. If it's not supposed to work out it won't. I can put in my best effort and something either will or won't come of it. But you can't lose anything from trying.

I'm now feeling better that I've written this.

For the next few days Elizabeth and I are going to be working our way through a book on the history of SE Asia. I will also be reading a tour guide book on Angkor so that I have some idea of what I want and don't want to see when I get there. I will have some idea of what I'm looking at and what it might mean.

And hopefully, at some point soon, I will hear back from place #3 about a job. And if by the time I get back from Cambodia in 1 week I haven't heard from then I will probably do travel asia for 3 more weeks before returning to Singapore at the end of February to interview with Emirates Air. And if that doesn't work out, which I don't even want to think about, it would be Australia or back home.

But I'm done thinking about contingency plans. That hasn't gotten me anywhere before - I just need to think about now and put my positive energy there. To get a job at place #3 here in Singapore, then find a place to live, then find a kick boxing gym that has classes at times that I can attend, continue to do my prison fit workouts, read a bit here and there, and make this work!

Okay, that's it. I'm going with that. Singapore is going to work out!

Night!